11-08-2010, 08:01 PM
Thanks for the feedback Billy
I've since changed "pleasure moan" to "mordant cry," after another user pointed out how weird and cheesy it was haha.
I agree with your comment on the archaic syntax in the last quatrain, but I really don't see a way around that. "Our bedroom is now a coffin" just doesn't fit the rhythm for me.
I've since changed "pleasure moan" to "mordant cry," after another user pointed out how weird and cheesy it was haha.I agree with your comment on the archaic syntax in the last quatrain, but I really don't see a way around that. "Our bedroom is now a coffin" just doesn't fit the rhythm for me.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe