Talking until the room fills

[billy]

This poem annoys me to know end.
I spent awhile on it and it's giving me lots of trouble.
Advice is needed, thank you.

We sat so long in the empty cafe,
There in the webs of our conversation, would we work better?
Talking of friends who moved to Michigan,
Of uncles who dropped and died while raking levees, leaves
Of camping trips in the hooded darkness of Vermont,
That soon, it became dawn, and the heavy doors swung open,
And memories from both sides came pouring in,
Like the opening of a mall complex, complex feels redundant opening sale of a mall perhaps
Filling the tables with fresh patrons,
With grandfather’s dressed in fishing attire, grandfathers
Shouting at waitresses, demanding their breakfast,
With cousins and sisters carrying on, carrying on feels a little weak
Some with teacup poodles in their purses. some what? use an image

Conversations crowded the cramped cafe another word for cafe to keep it sharp
While the faint smell of cologne flirted with the scent of coffeearoma of coffee beans maybe
And everything that was ever alive in us
Was then alive and present in that room is then needed?
Though we noticed nothing but each other. is though needed?

I think back to what my grandmother said
That someone is a conversationalist
If you know you could stay sane as Eskimos with them.
I smile, as I picture us alone in an igloo,
With a circle sawed into the ice,
Laughing at the thought of fire,
Neglecting the nibbles on our fishing lines.

another good write from you
i enjoyed the
too many good line to mention. but i may as well;

There in the webs of our conversation,
Talking of friends who moved to Michigan,
Of uncles who dropped and died while raking levees,
Of camping trips in the hooded darkness of Vermont,

With grandfather’s dressed in fishing attire,
Shouting at waitresses, demanding their breakfast,
With cousins and sisters carrying on,
Some with teacup poodles in their purses.

Conversations crowded the cramped cafe
While the faint smell of cologne flirted with the scent of coffee
And everything that was ever alive in us
Was then alive and present in that room
Though we noticed nothing but each other.

the last stanza worked well for me. a good narrative poem that reads well. all the suggestions are jmo.

thanks for the read lawrance.