Inhale/Exhale

[billy]

New Version
"Deep Breath"
_________________
This is inhalation.

Think of a red balloon expanding,
A graceful leap off of the diving board,
That moment before you interject at a meeting,
Or gathering air used to throw a shout across the street.

Suspense thrives here.
The murderer is still hidden,
Knife in hand, behind the door,
And our heroine is not at all aware.
The magician hasn’t pulled his rabbit,
I’m about to blow out my birthday candles,
A boy has picked a dandelion, wanting his wish.

this above verse works better for me.

The tide ebbs,
The day slowly withdraws,
You catch the scent of incense,
Lingering in an empty cathedral.
Here, you love her, so you pull her in.
While up ahead, you begin your ascent of Everest

i prefer the original of this verse, for me it's more poetic
if i were to change it it would be just a variation to;

while up ahead you face Everest;
look forward, breathe in, and begin

This is exhalation.

Here, you’re cooling off your scolding hot raviolis.
Someone’s just told a joke about two rabbis.
A man walks by you whistling in high pitch is "you" needed?
As you breathe fog on your dirty glasses.
Now, your father is puffing smoke rings i like this line better
On his windy porch in autumn.

The dark cinema erupts in horrified shouts
As the murderer emerges with a burst
And our heroine is taken by surprise.
You can here choirs singing,
The incantations of monks,
Men blowing on hands,
Trying to keep warm.

Ferocious waves crash on a bright beach in August.
St Peter’s is filled with chatty churchgoers.
And here, you love her, so you let her go.
The final sailboat has left the harbor,
Wind scatters piles of fallen leaves,
As you recline in your hammock
And with a long, slow sigh,
Drift into sleep.

like the first version. the last three lines work but for me they don't really add anything to the poem.

it's hard to pick between the two. i think i like this one better
they're both that good it's hard to say

it's easier to compare the edit and the original if you place the edit in your original post along with the original poem

thanks for the edit lawrence.