11-08-2010, 10:40 AM
Thank you for your feedback, Lawrence
I've never been very good with meter, hence the disruption of the rhythm at times, though I tried to keep each line roughly eight or seven syllables.
I agree that "shows" is weak. I'll change it to "pokes" once I've finished this.
Villanelles are, traditionally, supposed to have an a b a b rhyme scheme, but because I had trouble keeping it up, I bent the rules a little bit and used a more modern structure, like in this villanelle by Maxine Kumin: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/archive/...?id=184997.
As for the "bloomed" line, I personally liked the word, but I do take on board your concern. Same with "pleasure moan," though I concede that that does sound cliche.
In the last quatrain, the narrator is imagining kissing his lover again. Thanks for pointing that out to me; I'll try and see if I can clarify it. By the way, said lover isn't a woman; that isn't important to the reading of the piece, I don't think, but I just thought I'd say. The one indication is in the word "blond," which is the term used for men with yellow hair.
EDIT: I changed "pleasure moan" to "mordant cry." Thinking about it, the original phrase was rather silly!
I've never been very good with meter, hence the disruption of the rhythm at times, though I tried to keep each line roughly eight or seven syllables.I agree that "shows" is weak. I'll change it to "pokes" once I've finished this.
Villanelles are, traditionally, supposed to have an a b a b rhyme scheme, but because I had trouble keeping it up, I bent the rules a little bit and used a more modern structure, like in this villanelle by Maxine Kumin: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/archive/...?id=184997.
As for the "bloomed" line, I personally liked the word, but I do take on board your concern. Same with "pleasure moan," though I concede that that does sound cliche.
In the last quatrain, the narrator is imagining kissing his lover again. Thanks for pointing that out to me; I'll try and see if I can clarify it. By the way, said lover isn't a woman; that isn't important to the reading of the piece, I don't think, but I just thought I'd say. The one indication is in the word "blond," which is the term used for men with yellow hair.
EDIT: I changed "pleasure moan" to "mordant cry." Thinking about it, the original phrase was rather silly!
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe