11-08-2010, 08:27 AM
An interesting, graphic poem.
I'll cut to the chase.
As we kiss the air grows stale, (Fine, and essential to the villanelle)
when I come a brain cell dies; (I've no issue with this line either)
I hear the pounding of the nail. (The first two were seven syllables, so the beat felt kind of disrupted here.)
The morning shows through dusty blinds,("Shows" seems weak)
my aching wrist decries our love, then
as we kiss the air grows stale.(Love this, but again with the beat. It may not be as important to you, but It's just something I noticed. I'll neglect to mention it again)
After you left the train station,
my trench coat ran with tears and rain; (Clever, because "tears" and "rain" almost construct "train". Good)
I hear the pounding of the nail. (This might not be a problem either, but, isn't a villanelle supposed to have a specific aba rhyme scheme? Not to say you can't toy with it, but...I like this stanza)
When I lay on our bed that night,
my eyelids closed, your blond hair bloomed; now (Don't know if "bloomed" works. Seems iffy.)
as we kiss the air grows stale.
A pleasure moan escapes my lips, (A "pleasure moan" is weak. Sounds clumsy and, I think that "pleasure" might be redundant.)
I soak my boxer shorts again;
I hear the pounding of the nail. (The rest is fine)
Our bedroom now is a coffin,
damp tissues stuff each waste basket, and
as we kiss the air grows stale; (Not sure I get this...Isn't she gone? Are you imagining kissing her again?)
I hear the pounding of the nail.
Very solid poem, with a funny a unique idea behind it. That's all for now. I look forward to seeing other reviews, and what you think of it all
.
I'll cut to the chase.
As we kiss the air grows stale, (Fine, and essential to the villanelle)
when I come a brain cell dies; (I've no issue with this line either)
I hear the pounding of the nail. (The first two were seven syllables, so the beat felt kind of disrupted here.)
The morning shows through dusty blinds,("Shows" seems weak)
my aching wrist decries our love, then
as we kiss the air grows stale.(Love this, but again with the beat. It may not be as important to you, but It's just something I noticed. I'll neglect to mention it again)
After you left the train station,
my trench coat ran with tears and rain; (Clever, because "tears" and "rain" almost construct "train". Good)
I hear the pounding of the nail. (This might not be a problem either, but, isn't a villanelle supposed to have a specific aba rhyme scheme? Not to say you can't toy with it, but...I like this stanza)
When I lay on our bed that night,
my eyelids closed, your blond hair bloomed; now (Don't know if "bloomed" works. Seems iffy.)
as we kiss the air grows stale.
A pleasure moan escapes my lips, (A "pleasure moan" is weak. Sounds clumsy and, I think that "pleasure" might be redundant.)
I soak my boxer shorts again;
I hear the pounding of the nail. (The rest is fine)
Our bedroom now is a coffin,
damp tissues stuff each waste basket, and
as we kiss the air grows stale; (Not sure I get this...Isn't she gone? Are you imagining kissing her again?)
I hear the pounding of the nail.
Very solid poem, with a funny a unique idea behind it. That's all for now. I look forward to seeing other reviews, and what you think of it all
.