Villanelle contest

[heslopian]

Thanks for the entry, Billy! Here are my thoughts on your piece:

smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime
super-sizing meals should not be apply
don't get your heart attack before it's time

"Should not be apply" doesn't make sense. I think that you could get away with a half rhyme and just put "applied." I had this trouble with my villanelle, which is why I made it more modern, and bent the rules a little bit.

wear the patient's gown at a later time
eat fruit and greens, don't bread or bacon fry
smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime

I think I would have put, in lieu of your first line, "don't wear green gowns whilst in your prime," but that's just a personal thing. "Don't bread or bacon fry" doesn't work for me. How about "don't everything fry"? Again, that's probably just personal.

give up the lucky strikes, instead just mime
wear a patch, it helps; would the doctor lie
don't get your heart attack before it's time

Love this stanza, partly because of the "lucky strikes" reference (my Nan, when she smoked, smoked only that brand). I found the "just mime" bit amusing as well.

have chicken cooked with rosemary and lime
not KFC or scrumptious pumpkin pie
smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime

"Scrumptious" seems unecessary, and to my mind disrupts the rhythm. Other than that though this is wonderful, especially the "rosemary and lime."

pass it by if someone offers you prime
ribs are out, better to have fish on rye
don't get your heart attack before it's time

Good. 'Nout more I can say.

the advice given isn't worth a dime
nor should it ever see the light of day
smoke inhaled kills and fatty food's a crime
don't get your heart attack before it's time

Not sure I understand the first two lines; what advice are you referring to? The bits you've just given?

Aside from these quibbles, I liked this very much. I often think of villanelles as deadly serious, so seeing a comic one is nice, and this is filled with your great pithy wit. Thanks for the read as always.

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i'll get to yours later jack.

That sounds ominous