11-08-2010, 03:15 AM
Yeah I agree about the refrains. They have to look like a natural part of the poem's dialogue, and not just tacked on sentiments. I'm still learning that, as you'll see from my poem below, which relies a bit too heavily, I think, on semi-colons.
As we kiss the air grows stale,
when I come a brain cell dies;
I hear the pounding of the nail.
The morning pokes through dusty blinds,
my aching wrist decries our love, then
as we kiss the air grows stale.
After you left the train station,
my trench coat ran with tears and rain;
I hear the pounding of the nail.
When I lay on our bed that night,
my eyelids closed, your blond hair bloomed; now
as we kiss the air grows stale.
A mordant cry escapes my lips,
I soak my boxer shorts again;
I hear the pounding of the nail.
Our bedroom now is a coffin,
damp tissues stuff each waste basket, and
as we kiss the air grows stale;
I hear the pounding of the nail.
As we kiss the air grows stale,
when I come a brain cell dies;
I hear the pounding of the nail.
The morning pokes through dusty blinds,
my aching wrist decries our love, then
as we kiss the air grows stale.
After you left the train station,
my trench coat ran with tears and rain;
I hear the pounding of the nail.
When I lay on our bed that night,
my eyelids closed, your blond hair bloomed; now
as we kiss the air grows stale.
A mordant cry escapes my lips,
I soak my boxer shorts again;
I hear the pounding of the nail.
Our bedroom now is a coffin,
damp tissues stuff each waste basket, and
as we kiss the air grows stale;
I hear the pounding of the nail.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe