11-07-2010, 12:18 PM
Thanks for the brilliant entry Todd! I hope this thread garners interest; I do adore a good villanelle
Here are my thoughts on your piece:
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.
His voice once raised in praise began to scream.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.
Beautiful opening stanza. The second line is perfectly carved. The use of the word "forever" in the third line seems strange, but that could just be me. It just sounds a wee bit contrived, as though you were trying merely to beef up the sentence.
As did the host that thought it would defy,
The Three-in-Ones exalted high regime.
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.
Is the comma after "defy" needed? Other than that very good. I love the "Eastern sky" refrain.
He sought the ones most loved told them his lie—
To be like God—the substance of this scheme.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.
I think you need a comma after "loved" in the first line, otherwise the syntax doesn't work. I like the phrase "the substance of his scheme" very much.
Fruit fallen from their hands raises a cry;
Eyes finally open waking from a dream.
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.
The fruit raises the cry? I'd put a comma after open, again just to help the syntax.
Cut off, now naked, they began to die.
Perhaps in this way he would be supreme.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.
The first two lines of this are awesome. So potent and emotional, laden with meaning.
Covering cherub thought to be so sly.
Deceiver always never what you seem.
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.
The first half of this last quatrain doesn't quite make sense to me. "Always" and "never" don't juxtapose well, even if you're being ironic, in my opinion.
Aside from my quibbles, however, this is a lovely villanelle. I'm not normally found of poems about religion, but this knocked me for six, in a way. Thanks for the read, Todd
Here are my thoughts on your piece:Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.
His voice once raised in praise began to scream.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.
Beautiful opening stanza. The second line is perfectly carved. The use of the word "forever" in the third line seems strange, but that could just be me. It just sounds a wee bit contrived, as though you were trying merely to beef up the sentence.
As did the host that thought it would defy,
The Three-in-Ones exalted high regime.
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.
Is the comma after "defy" needed? Other than that very good. I love the "Eastern sky" refrain.
He sought the ones most loved told them his lie—
To be like God—the substance of this scheme.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.
I think you need a comma after "loved" in the first line, otherwise the syntax doesn't work. I like the phrase "the substance of his scheme" very much.
Fruit fallen from their hands raises a cry;
Eyes finally open waking from a dream.
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.
The fruit raises the cry? I'd put a comma after open, again just to help the syntax.
Cut off, now naked, they began to die.
Perhaps in this way he would be supreme.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.
The first two lines of this are awesome. So potent and emotional, laden with meaning.
Covering cherub thought to be so sly.
Deceiver always never what you seem.
Red lightning flashed across the Eastern sky.
He fell to Earth forever from on high.
The first half of this last quatrain doesn't quite make sense to me. "Always" and "never" don't juxtapose well, even if you're being ironic, in my opinion.
Aside from my quibbles, however, this is a lovely villanelle. I'm not normally found of poems about religion, but this knocked me for six, in a way. Thanks for the read, Todd
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe