Hi again Lawrence,
There are some really interesting things you choose to do here. I’m going to go through the poem and make suggestions but by and large I want to be clear the poem is good as it is. If you choose to use a suggestion or not use one that’s up to you, I just hope that I can provide you some things to consider that might make the poem stronger. I really like your poem so read any critique in that light. Here goes:
First off what struck me and what I like that you do is how you have the strophes (or stanzas if you prefer) mimic the acts that you are writing about. Inhalation (shorter lines building to longer lines), exhalation (longer lines getting shorter) it’s a subtle touch to mimic breathing but I think it works. There was a part of me that toyed with the idea of you placing this in two strophes to mimic one breath though I think that would require a lot of cutting to maintain the line length structure you’ve established and it isn’t necessary.
I’d like to see another title from you for this. Inhale/exhale isn’t that effective for drawing someone to the poem…even something simple like “On Breathing” would be better. Of course, just my opinion. It’s a simple thing you could think about that could enhance the poem right off.
Ok to the lines:
This is inhalation.
Think of a red balloon expanding,
A graceful leap off of the diving board,—you could cut “of”
That moment before you interject at a meeting,
Or gathering air you use to throw a shout across the street.—not as strong as the other lines because your using inhalation to describe inhalation. It’s close to the same idea you used in the previous line.
Suspense thrives here.
We’re trying to contain fear.[b]—I think you could cut these first two lines and let your next two lines images do the work for you.
The murderer is still hidden,
Knife in hand, behind the door,
And our heroine is not at all aware.
The magician hasn’t pulled his rabbit,
I’m about to blow out my birthday candles,—again moving directly to a breathing example makes this a bit weaker for me. You could cut this.
A boy has picked a dandelion, wanting his wish.[/b]—this however might be my favorite line in the whole poem it’s such a great image and carries such anticipation.
The tide ebbs,
The day slowly withdraws,
You catch the scent of incense,
Lingering in an empty cathedral.
Here, you love her, so you pull her in.—these previous four lines are so good
While up ahead, you’re facing Mt Everest,
So you look forward, breathe in, and begin.—again I’d rather you just ended on the previous line, and let the image convey.
This is exhalation.
Here, you’re cooling off your scolding hot raviolis.
Someones just told a joke about two rabbis.—Someone’s
You whistle that song stuck in your head,
And you gently breathe on your glasses.—again a direct breathing reference to describe exhalation.
Now, someone is puffing smoke rings
On his windy porch in autumn.
The dark cinema erupts in horrified shouts
As the murderer emerges with a burst
And our heroin is taken by surprise.—Billy mentioned adding the “e”. These three lines are great.
You can here choirs singing,--minor typo: hear
The incantations of monks,
Men blowing on hands,—it’s a good image but something other than blowing
Trying to keep warm.
Ferocious waves crash on a bright beach in August.
St Peter’s is filled with chatty churchgoers.
And here, you love her, so you let her go.
The final sailboat has left the harbor,
The wind scatters fallen leaves,
You recline in your warm bed
And with a long, slow sigh,
Drift into sleep.—I really liked this final strophe. Good images throughout.
So, Lawrence I loved the poem. I’m looking forward to seeing more of your writing. I hope some of the comments will be helpful to you. If they aren’t please ignore them.
Best,
Todd
There are some really interesting things you choose to do here. I’m going to go through the poem and make suggestions but by and large I want to be clear the poem is good as it is. If you choose to use a suggestion or not use one that’s up to you, I just hope that I can provide you some things to consider that might make the poem stronger. I really like your poem so read any critique in that light. Here goes:
First off what struck me and what I like that you do is how you have the strophes (or stanzas if you prefer) mimic the acts that you are writing about. Inhalation (shorter lines building to longer lines), exhalation (longer lines getting shorter) it’s a subtle touch to mimic breathing but I think it works. There was a part of me that toyed with the idea of you placing this in two strophes to mimic one breath though I think that would require a lot of cutting to maintain the line length structure you’ve established and it isn’t necessary.
I’d like to see another title from you for this. Inhale/exhale isn’t that effective for drawing someone to the poem…even something simple like “On Breathing” would be better. Of course, just my opinion. It’s a simple thing you could think about that could enhance the poem right off.
Ok to the lines:
This is inhalation.
Think of a red balloon expanding,
A graceful leap off of the diving board,—you could cut “of”
That moment before you interject at a meeting,
Or gathering air you use to throw a shout across the street.—not as strong as the other lines because your using inhalation to describe inhalation. It’s close to the same idea you used in the previous line.
Suspense thrives here.
We’re trying to contain fear.[b]—I think you could cut these first two lines and let your next two lines images do the work for you.
The murderer is still hidden,
Knife in hand, behind the door,
And our heroine is not at all aware.
The magician hasn’t pulled his rabbit,
I’m about to blow out my birthday candles,—again moving directly to a breathing example makes this a bit weaker for me. You could cut this.
A boy has picked a dandelion, wanting his wish.[/b]—this however might be my favorite line in the whole poem it’s such a great image and carries such anticipation.
The tide ebbs,
The day slowly withdraws,
You catch the scent of incense,
Lingering in an empty cathedral.
Here, you love her, so you pull her in.—these previous four lines are so good
While up ahead, you’re facing Mt Everest,
So you look forward, breathe in, and begin.—again I’d rather you just ended on the previous line, and let the image convey.
This is exhalation.
Here, you’re cooling off your scolding hot raviolis.
Someones just told a joke about two rabbis.—Someone’s
You whistle that song stuck in your head,
And you gently breathe on your glasses.—again a direct breathing reference to describe exhalation.
Now, someone is puffing smoke rings
On his windy porch in autumn.
The dark cinema erupts in horrified shouts
As the murderer emerges with a burst
And our heroin is taken by surprise.—Billy mentioned adding the “e”. These three lines are great.
You can here choirs singing,--minor typo: hear
The incantations of monks,
Men blowing on hands,—it’s a good image but something other than blowing
Trying to keep warm.
Ferocious waves crash on a bright beach in August.
St Peter’s is filled with chatty churchgoers.
And here, you love her, so you let her go.
The final sailboat has left the harbor,
The wind scatters fallen leaves,
You recline in your warm bed
And with a long, slow sigh,
Drift into sleep.—I really liked this final strophe. Good images throughout.
So, Lawrence I loved the poem. I’m looking forward to seeing more of your writing. I hope some of the comments will be helpful to you. If they aren’t please ignore them.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson