Love Poem

[heslopian]

Really excellent storytelling here. The weakest spot is probably the last stanza (if you could even call it "weak")... for me the final lines were ace, and it just took a little too long getting there.

Thanks for the feedback and kind words, addy I think I really see what you mean. This is why I have trouble with prose. Everything is too elongated.

---

Thank you Todd for taking the ime to analyse this piece and help tighten it up. I agree that it needs to be more succinct, and I like how you focus on the king imagery in your revised version. One bit I didn't quite understand: "image to graphic works for me." Are you saying that the line is too graphic to work for you, or that the excess does work for you? When I have more time and less books to read for my course, I'll sit down with this poem and your response and start polishing. Thanks again; you've been a tremendous help