Love Poem

[Todd]

This is a very unboring love poem (which is so incredibly hard to pull off). For me Jack (and it may only be me) here's where the poem starts:
I salivate on you
like a selfish old king,
keeping the peasants at the gate
as I gorge - I soak you in a
fine layer of spit. I tweak your nipples

That king image is wonderful it feels like a shakespearean tragic king. It is decadent and unexpected. You are far better at puncuation than I will probably ever be but that said I would consider going ...spit, tweak your nipples," I think the "I" feels awkward could just be me. I want the pace to move a little quicker there.
and you whimper like mice,--love this
shivering as I bury
my head in your crotch,--image to graphic works for me.

and I show this penthouse
just how much I love you,--if you are going to move to the prostate line I would rather see you lead with an image here like you did earlier.
as I reach your prostate;
you bite my finger.

Just then, some stupid football fan
burst into our corridor,
screaming rhetoric in support
of his team, his overpaid idols,--I think you could cut "of his team" and for a moment I considered,
in all seriousness, seizing--I think you could cut "in all seriousness" the silver tray on which
our room service was brought,
and beating the bastard to death.
Only for a moment, mind.
Your sphincter closed
and left me trapped,
I kissed your neck, rubbed your
shoulders, my shirt still on
and my trousers around
my ankles. And together
we waited for the noise
to die out.--great final two lines

I think this is solid work what I think that would help as you consider rewrite is make sure to emphasive the king imagery and the decadence so that when you get to the football fan and change the speech up it pops. You can slide back into the language (great pun there Todd ) and close with those wonderful last lines.

I liked this. I thought it was very good and should polish up nicely. I wish all of my old work looked this good.

Best,

Todd