11-03-2010, 07:25 PM
Thanks so much for the feedback, Billy
This is one of my older poems, written whilst I was watching a Lara Croft movie. It was based on a fantasy I once had, and was composed back when I was writing a lot about sex and masturbation.
I agree that it can be too wordy at times; since then I've tried simplifying my style, which hasn't been an easy task; rambling comes naturally to me, as I'm sure you've guessed by now
I'll do an edit in a mo with your revised lines, and give the last stanza a makeover when I have more time.
I don't remember hearing "tweak your nipples" in Bob the Builder, though... Do you mean that the line was cheesy?
Thanks again for the feedback and kind words
This is one of my older poems, written whilst I was watching a Lara Croft movie. It was based on a fantasy I once had, and was composed back when I was writing a lot about sex and masturbation.I agree that it can be too wordy at times; since then I've tried simplifying my style, which hasn't been an easy task; rambling comes naturally to me, as I'm sure you've guessed by now
I'll do an edit in a mo with your revised lines, and give the last stanza a makeover when I have more time.I don't remember hearing "tweak your nipples" in Bob the Builder, though... Do you mean that the line was cheesy?
Thanks again for the feedback and kind words
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe