for me, like the sphincter; it needs tightening up.
like one of the sons too wordy (like a son of Andronicus)
cooked and filleted
and bare, a supple pastry, prepared
all for me - and I salivate on you
like a selfish old king,
keeping the peasants at the gate
as I gorge - I soak you in a
fine layer of spit. this part is really well written
I tweak your nipples this read like something from bob the builder.
and you whimper like mice,
shivering as I bury shouldn't that be like a mouse?
my head in your crotch,
and I show this penthouse
just how much I love you,
as I reach your prostate
and you bite my finger. is and needed?
no comment on the last stanza.
first off it feels a little cold. the first and 2nd verse have something in them, a passion maybe but the last verse seems to be used more as a lead in to let us know the trousers were still round the ankles.
a narrative poem that for me, needs a heavy edit on the last verse.
if you could get it as good as the first two you'd have a winning write. jmo.
i didn't mention. that the first two verse were full of really good lines. sorry.