Dirge

[heslopian]

for me you need some
sorrowful rhythm maybe using 7 syls per line.
thats shows a bit of grief. (it's a dirge not a parody of a dirge )

just- a-fright-ened--litt--le---girl,
dah-de-dah---de---dah-de---dah

fear-ful--of--a-fath-ers-smile
dah-de-dah-de-dah-de--dah

quick to-fing--er and de--file
dah--de-dah-de-dah-de--dah <----sorry jack i couldn't help meself

stalking her till sixty-four
when she waded out from shore
never did we see her frown
ne'r a person saw her drown

dah--de-dah-de-dah-de--dah......

Thanks for the feedback, Billy As I've said before, I mostly measure my rhythms by ear, but I can see why that would be a problem when adopting a specific form.
Forgetting for a moment that this is supposed to be a dirge, what do you think of it?

---

Hi Heslopian,

Love your opening quote.

Though I will make more comments than this, in a very real way this could be your poem:

Always the frightened little girl,
fearing her father's quick fingers,
and her grandad's sly camera,
we never saw below her frown,
and not one person saw her drown.

That right there is condensed power.

I also am fond of:

as false as my aunt's "Tudor" house

It's not that the rest is bad--it isn't. It's simply that the ending is so strong I would like to see that pulled more across the poem. I'm wondering (and I could be a lunatic here) if there are a few lines you could pull out of the broader poem and tack on to the conclusion and make a tight under 10 line poem out of it. Maybe that's nuts again the truth is the full poem is a good read...the ending is exceptional. I don't know enough ramble I think you see what I'm saying.

Feel free to ignore it or use it as you see fit.

Thanks,

Todd

That's certainly an interesting challenge, Todd! And please don't worry about sounding nuts; I love crazy notions I may try it as a kind of experiment, and publish a second version of this piece. I'll leave this original alone, however; having nearly killed myself establishing the rhyme, I'm not about to mangle it