10-27-2010, 10:16 AM
Hi Heslopian,
Love your opening quote.
Though I will make more comments than this, in a very real way this could be your poem:
Always the frightened little girl,
fearing her father's quick fingers,
and her grandad's sly camera,
we never saw below her frown,
and not one person saw her drown.
That right there is condensed power.
I also am fond of:
as false as my aunt's "Tudor" house
It's not that the rest is bad--it isn't. It's simply that the ending is so strong I would like to see that pulled more across the poem. I'm wondering (and I could be a lunatic here) if there are a few lines you could pull out of the broader poem and tack on to the conclusion and make a tight under 10 line poem out of it. Maybe that's nuts again the truth is the full poem is a good read...the ending is exceptional. I don't know enough ramble I think you see what I'm saying.
Feel free to ignore it or use it as you see fit.
Thanks,
Todd
Love your opening quote.
Though I will make more comments than this, in a very real way this could be your poem:
Always the frightened little girl,
fearing her father's quick fingers,
and her grandad's sly camera,
we never saw below her frown,
and not one person saw her drown.
That right there is condensed power.
I also am fond of:
as false as my aunt's "Tudor" house
It's not that the rest is bad--it isn't. It's simply that the ending is so strong I would like to see that pulled more across the poem. I'm wondering (and I could be a lunatic here) if there are a few lines you could pull out of the broader poem and tack on to the conclusion and make a tight under 10 line poem out of it. Maybe that's nuts again the truth is the full poem is a good read...the ending is exceptional. I don't know enough ramble I think you see what I'm saying.
Feel free to ignore it or use it as you see fit.
Thanks,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson