10-25-2010, 07:06 PM
The stand out lines for me are:
The stories you’ve been told are wrong;
this is no mild passage
to golden streets—there is no comfort-
ing metaphor for this state.
I think that's brilliant. But since we're in Serious Critique...I've never been told about 'golden streets'.
Now that I think about it, I can't actually think what I have been told lies beyond the bright light, but I'm certain it wasn't golden streets. Is that a part of Christian mythology? [I've never been religious so I'm not actually sure exactly what Heaven is supposed to look like (isn't it clouds?)]
Also, I wonder if 'there are no comfort-ing metaphors for this state' might not work a little better...breaking up the "phor for" repetition just that little bit. [EDIT. Actually, on second thoughts, I think it's better your way, but I'll leave the comment there as you might prefer it.]
The stories you’ve been told are wrong;
this is no mild passage
to golden streets—there is no comfort-
ing metaphor for this state.
I think that's brilliant. But since we're in Serious Critique...I've never been told about 'golden streets'.
Now that I think about it, I can't actually think what I have been told lies beyond the bright light, but I'm certain it wasn't golden streets. Is that a part of Christian mythology? [I've never been religious so I'm not actually sure exactly what Heaven is supposed to look like (isn't it clouds?)]Also, I wonder if 'there are no comfort-ing metaphors for this state' might not work a little better...breaking up the "phor for" repetition just that little bit. [EDIT. Actually, on second thoughts, I think it's better your way, but I'll leave the comment there as you might prefer it.]
"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."