Lost Appetite.

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

A couple comments on this one (and maybe a few suggestions for you to think about--if they don't seem right for what you are going for please disregard them).

This is an interesting picture. Here are my comments:

The laughter in the kitchen
boils over on flames of indignation.

You may want to consider moving "boils" up to end L1. It seems like it would make the opening more arresting.

Flames of indignation seem a bit too telling for me (jmo).

I open the door and de-volume the TV.

L3: I wonder if this line really adds anything. It is clear that the narrator overhears. I do realize that you have to be in the other room for it to work. So, I'm a bit torn.

The maid as usual is unhappy with her lot;
it seems the wages are too low
and the meat is too tough.

I like the structure on the too low/too tough lines.

I hear mention of a sore back and long hours,
the delusional rant spews out

I think delusional is too telly here. I'd just let the scene or the characterization draw the reader to that conclusion.

over the kitchen sink and metal back-splash;
bounces off the stainless steel like one of her hard dumplings,

Those lines are solid. I like the hard dumplings showing what type of cook she is in general--also, defining the relationship between the two a bit more.

and assaults my burning ears.

Burning ears is a bit overused. I think you can do better than that.

The laugh returns, no I'm mistaken,
the hearty laugh is indeed a cackle
followed by an under-vocalised curse.
The sound of phlegm grating upward
along the back of her throat make me fearful of eating--
veal with oyster sauce, usually me favourite course.
Softly I close the door, not wishing to upset her
any more than I already have.


I hope some of that will be useful to you. Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd