10-20-2010, 05:17 AM
Thank you for the feedback and kind words, Todd
I'll be honest with you: This piece is just a thinly veiled version of my own life. I'm the narrator, who on the funeral day was seventeen. I agree with your comments about how a lot of details are too complex, such as "my father's sister's Julie's husband" (a sentence which, in hindsight, just looks ridiculous to me!); I got carried away with the autobiographical element, and forgot about my audience. I have tremendous trouble with prose, and have nearly killed myself constructing it before; I become so obsessive over making each line flow and look perfect, that I end up with some often hilariously convoluted, rambling passages.
One element of your criticism which I didn't quite grasp: "that’s a lot of funerals in a short time. I’d begin looking at the father suspiciously. The second marriage may explain why Andrew lives far from home." There's only been one funeral: the stepmother's. The "funeral day" I mentioned in the previous sentence is the one which the characters are now preparing to attend; did it look as though I was saying that my mother, referred to in the line before that, had died? (See what I mean about the trouble I have with prose?
)
The mistake with "realize" occurred when I ran the piece through a Google spell checker; it was set to US language. Funnily enough, though, the way I spelt "paedophiles" was actually the English version; "pedophiles" is American.
The last sentence, again, was me forgetting my audience, and that they don't know what I do about my family.
Thanks for your in-depth critique; it really means a lot that you'd go to the trouble of analysing this piece by piece; and it's incredibly helpful too
I'll be honest with you: This piece is just a thinly veiled version of my own life. I'm the narrator, who on the funeral day was seventeen. I agree with your comments about how a lot of details are too complex, such as "my father's sister's Julie's husband" (a sentence which, in hindsight, just looks ridiculous to me!); I got carried away with the autobiographical element, and forgot about my audience. I have tremendous trouble with prose, and have nearly killed myself constructing it before; I become so obsessive over making each line flow and look perfect, that I end up with some often hilariously convoluted, rambling passages.One element of your criticism which I didn't quite grasp: "that’s a lot of funerals in a short time. I’d begin looking at the father suspiciously. The second marriage may explain why Andrew lives far from home." There's only been one funeral: the stepmother's. The "funeral day" I mentioned in the previous sentence is the one which the characters are now preparing to attend; did it look as though I was saying that my mother, referred to in the line before that, had died? (See what I mean about the trouble I have with prose?
)The mistake with "realize" occurred when I ran the piece through a Google spell checker; it was set to US language. Funnily enough, though, the way I spelt "paedophiles" was actually the English version; "pedophiles" is American.
The last sentence, again, was me forgetting my audience, and that they don't know what I do about my family.
Thanks for your in-depth critique; it really means a lot that you'd go to the trouble of analysing this piece by piece; and it's incredibly helpful too