Maybe I need to try a clinical rewrite, or pop the voices back and forth between Alice and the Psychiatrist...something to think about.
This might actually work in a sick way. I don't want to do an instant rewrite (those never work) and not saying I'd stay with these lines but maybe something like:
Subject shows apprehension in front of mirror.
You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
Subject expresses nervousness in the cafeteria line.
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.
Granted too busy and needs to flow better but that concept might be fun to try.
This might actually work in a sick way. I don't want to do an instant rewrite (those never work) and not saying I'd stay with these lines but maybe something like:
Subject shows apprehension in front of mirror.
You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
Subject expresses nervousness in the cafeteria line.
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.
Granted too busy and needs to flow better but that concept might be fun to try.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson