10-18-2010, 06:19 AM
Hi Liz,
I want to give this one some more thought before I comment more fully. I am struck by a few lines. You mention that you just started writing poetry again after giving up on it. When I consider some of what you've written here I hope you stick it out. You've got some very good instincts and skills. Critique is difficult for any of us to embrace but the truth is it takes a lifetime to master something like this. Let me point out the lines that were exceptional to me (If I have more comments to mention later I'll come back and post).
I remember when I use to run the world,
I was a god in the mirrors eye,
A couple minor grammar points in those lines (I think it should be used instead of use), but these lines are excellent. You can fix nits but it's much more difficult to come up with lines that work well.
I also loved this:
In a sharp edged field with razors and knives,
I thought god was enough to take my life,
I remember the day it fell apart.
The first line makes me think of cutting (whether that's your intent or not, but either way it is still an interesting original way to depict a point in life. The next two lines are awesome.
When I write what I consider great lines there is always that pressure to make the rest of the poem worthy of them. That's usually what sparks my initial rewrites.
Best,
Todd
I want to give this one some more thought before I comment more fully. I am struck by a few lines. You mention that you just started writing poetry again after giving up on it. When I consider some of what you've written here I hope you stick it out. You've got some very good instincts and skills. Critique is difficult for any of us to embrace but the truth is it takes a lifetime to master something like this. Let me point out the lines that were exceptional to me (If I have more comments to mention later I'll come back and post).
I remember when I use to run the world,
I was a god in the mirrors eye,
A couple minor grammar points in those lines (I think it should be used instead of use), but these lines are excellent. You can fix nits but it's much more difficult to come up with lines that work well.
I also loved this:
In a sharp edged field with razors and knives,
I thought god was enough to take my life,
I remember the day it fell apart.
The first line makes me think of cutting (whether that's your intent or not, but either way it is still an interesting original way to depict a point in life. The next two lines are awesome.
When I write what I consider great lines there is always that pressure to make the rest of the poem worthy of them. That's usually what sparks my initial rewrites.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson