Eulogy

[billy]

Thanks for the feedback, Billy The poem was based on this one by Pam Ayres: http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchi...emId=11739. No doubt why it seems forced; I've never been great with rhyming verse, or the archaic style, the latter of which I was aiming for in this piece.

I agree that the "This verse can express" line disrupts the meter, though I thought it was because it was too long, and maybe needed a comma to divide it up
Thanks for complimenting the "plastic trees" line; that was my favourite too, alongside "loving earth."

i can picture ayres in my mind and she had lots of emphasis on the pause.
how about if you do some enjambment that would help the read to pause where she does that long pause for effect, ie;

Remember me
not through some shallow priest,
Throw me not to the flames
like a big pot of yeast,
Don't leave me on a mantelpiece between two plastic trees,
I want to rest with dignity,
not flutter in the breeze.
Decay is not so terrible,
but re-assuring, friend;
To feel my body melt away,
no longer hurt, or mend,
Sounds beautiful beyond what this verse
can express,
So lock me in the loving earth,
and let my soul regress.

read my ideas on receiving critique before you lynch me :hystericl: