Winter in the city.

[Todd]

Hi Liz,

Well I'm new too. You know you have some very cool lines and ideas running through this one. I want to see this structured a little differently to make them pop out more. I do like what you've started and will make a lot of suggestions which you can use, modify, or ignore. I realize you're 12 but I hope you don't mind that I think your writing is good enough that I intend to treat the critique as I would for anyone else. Here are some thoughts for you:

Winter in the city

I'm not in love with the title but it does establish your setting right from the start (which is a good thing).

S1:

From the title were already thinking about winter so in my mind snow is assumed. I wonder if you the first mention of snow buys you anything here.

The snow falls upon concrete streets where heavily dressed people hurry across the ground.

So, I look at these first two lines and I feel the snow is unneeded because you deal with it later and ground is unneeded because we already have the better choice of concrete streets.

Maybe:

Heavily dressed people hurry
across concrete streets

Moving along mindlessly with red faces buried in thick scarves.

Is along needed? The rest of that line seems strong. Though I would introduce a line break. Maybe:

Moving mindlessly their red faces
buried in thick scarves

Again good concrete detail.

The winter cold has taken it’s toll across this city,

I'm not a fan of stepping out of the moment and making an editorial statement about the cold. I think it's much stronger when you let your images speak for you. Some of this can be blended in a way to still make your point.

where the stray cats and beggars have taken shelter away.
This is winters harsh symphony playing silently.

I like the stray cats and beggers and I like the idea of winter's harsh symphony playing silently.

Maybe:

where stray cats and beggars
have taken shelter (I don't think you need "away")

Here's where you have some options. I think you could keep:

This is Winter's harsh symphony
playing silently

Or you could choose to go with something like:

where stray cats and beggars
have taken shelter
from winter's harsh silent symphony

I like linking the ideas with "from" but I'm not too crazy about three descriptive words before sympony. So, I'm leaning toward the way you have it now with the option of capitalizing winter in this case with maybe adding the line break.

S2:

And the snow which was white is now grey and dirtied thrown about the street.

I don't think you need at all "which was white is" it's assumed.

Maybe:

And the snow now gray and dirtied
thrown about the street

Adding it to the front of the section below I mostly want to add some line breaks for you to consider (not sure what I think of these break suggestions but maybe):

And the snow now gray and dirtied
thrown about the street
Mid winter magic is all but a dream.
The freezing souls lie in the freezing cold
and radiant thoughts of angels
and peace are long forgotten.

S3:

I don't think you need "though" after innocent. Maybe change your breaks like:

The innocent still do dream of a wonderland
where they can harvest these magical thoughts.
Soft jazz tunes sweep the city
with smells of warm baked delights.

S4:

A few minor cut and line break suggestions:

And the foggy lights shine
oh so faintly at night,
Give me hope for all kind
that the snow will always fall.
with all the pain and beauty winter brings

It's a good draft. Like I said you have some great lines and ideas in it. I hope some of my comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

Yes, there is a need to mention snow. I see you tried to correct it and I thank you for that, but please don't change the whole poem, which you did. I do not apreciate that.

Liz, not meaning that to read as "a change the whole poem" sort of thing more of a way to show you other options. It's hard online to show what you're getting at without actually showing it. If you're comfortable with your choices than you are. Sorry to put you out--wasn't my intention.

Best,

Todd