10-17-2010, 12:43 AM
Thanks for the feedback, Billy
The poem was based on this one by Pam Ayres: http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchi...emId=11739. No doubt why it seems forced; I've never been great with rhyming verse, or the archaic style, the latter of which I was aiming for in this piece.
I agree that the "This verse can express" line disrupts the meter, though I thought it was because it was too long, and maybe needed a comma to divide it up
Thanks for complimenting the "plastic trees" line; that was my favourite too, alongside "loving earth."
The poem was based on this one by Pam Ayres: http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchi...emId=11739. No doubt why it seems forced; I've never been great with rhyming verse, or the archaic style, the latter of which I was aiming for in this piece.I agree that the "This verse can express" line disrupts the meter, though I thought it was because it was too long, and maybe needed a comma to divide it up
Thanks for complimenting the "plastic trees" line; that was my favourite too, alongside "loving earth."