Ode to the Silence of the Night

[MarkusSinclair]

The muffled silent melody
screams out at night, you I adore
your absence, it is hell for me
It leaves me wanting more and more

I'd recommend putting speech marks around the phrase "you I adore," to prevent that line from running into the third.

your eerie tones of brass and bass
echo and echo in my heart
my loving temptress hide your face
I alone understand your art.

Instead of "echo and echo," would "keep echoing inside my heart" work better? Not fond of the repetition, that's all. Also, the line "I alone understand your art" seems a wee bit contrived and shallow, as though it's there purely to keep up the rhyme.

Lo' what cacophony is this
that interrupts my mistress' song?
be still my love, take hold of bliss
Peace, Wait, this won't take long.

Instead of "mistress'," which throws off the meter, I think, would "lover's" work better? The last line seems quite erotic, though that could just be my filthy mind

a crow had in the other room
across the hall began to squawk
a noise not even called a tune
begrudgingly began my walk

Perfect. My favourite verse from this piece. Syntax is good, the rhyme and flow work, the images are strong, and there are deep undertones. Reminds me of these great T. S. Eliot lines: "Footfalls echo in the memory/Down the passage which we did not take/Towards the door we never opened/Into the rose-garden."

The door creaked open with sigh
"can you hurry" It seemed to say
"Night wants to sing, she wants to die"
Gesturing with wooden arm "Obey!"

You need an "a" before "sigh." In the last line, I'd put "Then, gesturing with wooden arm: "Obey!"" Also, put a question mark after "hurry."

A monster, I did see it now
beneath the sheets it heaved and moaned
though full of fright I wiped my brow
Now callous as if struck and stoned

I'd recommend that you remove the comma after "monster," or delete all the commas and full stops throughout this piece. Try and go for all or nothing when you write a poem like this. Sporadic punctuation looks sloppy (IMHO).

It snarled and spat almost in spite.
Its hatred for my love now known
And slipping through the darkest night
I struck, I struck it to the bone

Nicely viscious and bitter. The rhyme of "known" and "bone" was beautiful. Chilling and bizarre.

With knife now drawn and sheathed inside
The bewildered thing gave a scream
In blood soaked sheets it promptly died
And I walked out as in a dream

"Inside" seems forced, like it's there simply to rhyme with "died."

In conclusion, a good poem, with a couple of excellent verses, and a beautiful atmosphere of dread, but the archaic structure disrupts the syntax, and your punctuation seems slipshod.

i very much appreciate your honest feedback, puncuation and spelling have never been my strong points