10-12-2010, 06:25 PM
Your sentences are rather long - I'd suggest you be ruthless and do a little trimming, or throw in some enjambment like Billy said - but this is a lovely poem. Reading it was a bit like seeing Tim Burton's Gotham City for the first time; a rich and haunting urban landscape. A lot of the critique I'm going to offer will just be grammatical things.
The snow falls upon concrete streets where heavily dressed people hurry across the ground.
Moving along mindlessly with red faces buried in thick scarves.
The winter cold has taken it’s toll across this city, where the stray cats and beggars have taken shelter away.
This is winters harsh symphony playing silently.
Do you really need "upon" in that first line? In the third line, "its" shouldn't have an apostrophe, as the "toll" belongs to winter, if you know what I mean, so it's a possessive term. You don't need "away" after shelter. "Winters" in the third line, on the other hand, does need an apostrophe, because the "harsh symphony" belongs to "winter" (when you mention something's name with an "s" on the end, if it's a possessive term then it needs an apostrophe.
And the snow which was white is now grey and dirtied thrown about the street.
Mid winter magic is all but a dream.
The freezing souls lie in the freezing cold and radiant thoughts of angels and peace are long forgotten.
I think you should put a comma after "dirtied." Also, I think you could get away with making "midwinter" one word. The third line is simple but very effective; you're an excellent painter of scenes through words.
The innocent though still do dream of a wonderland where they can harvest these magical thoughts.
Soft jazz tunes sweep the city with smells of warm baked delights.
Do you really need "do" after "still"? Love the idea of harvesting thoughts which you use. Second line was great also; mingling the sound of jazz and the smell of baking was a great idea. But I don't think you need the adjective "warm." I'd just put "baked delights."
And the foggy lights that shine oh so faintly at night,
Give me hope for all kind.
And the snow will always fall.
And that’s when I start to think,
I smile to myself as I realize, all the pain and beauty winter brings
Do you really need a comma after "night"? Other than that, a smashing end to a smashing poem
The snow falls upon concrete streets where heavily dressed people hurry across the ground.
Moving along mindlessly with red faces buried in thick scarves.
The winter cold has taken it’s toll across this city, where the stray cats and beggars have taken shelter away.
This is winters harsh symphony playing silently.
Do you really need "upon" in that first line? In the third line, "its" shouldn't have an apostrophe, as the "toll" belongs to winter, if you know what I mean, so it's a possessive term. You don't need "away" after shelter. "Winters" in the third line, on the other hand, does need an apostrophe, because the "harsh symphony" belongs to "winter" (when you mention something's name with an "s" on the end, if it's a possessive term then it needs an apostrophe.
And the snow which was white is now grey and dirtied thrown about the street.
Mid winter magic is all but a dream.
The freezing souls lie in the freezing cold and radiant thoughts of angels and peace are long forgotten.
I think you should put a comma after "dirtied." Also, I think you could get away with making "midwinter" one word. The third line is simple but very effective; you're an excellent painter of scenes through words.
The innocent though still do dream of a wonderland where they can harvest these magical thoughts.
Soft jazz tunes sweep the city with smells of warm baked delights.
Do you really need "do" after "still"? Love the idea of harvesting thoughts which you use. Second line was great also; mingling the sound of jazz and the smell of baking was a great idea. But I don't think you need the adjective "warm." I'd just put "baked delights."
And the foggy lights that shine oh so faintly at night,
Give me hope for all kind.
And the snow will always fall.
And that’s when I start to think,
I smile to myself as I realize, all the pain and beauty winter brings
Do you really need a comma after "night"? Other than that, a smashing end to a smashing poem