Winter in the city.

[billy]

Hi! Since I am new I will introduce myself. My name is liz i'm 12 years old, and I love poetry. I would like someone to tell me what they think of my poem. I do not want to be a pro poet, I just do poetry for fun really! So it might not sound really good. Thanks!

first off lizzy, think about whether or not you want a fairly in depth critique, sometimes a little harsh but honest feedback.
or just a few pointers, (mild critique.)

Poem:

The snow falls upon concrete streets where heavily dressed people hurry across the ground.
Moving along mindlessly with red faces buried in thick scarves.
The winter cold has taken it’s toll across this city, where the stray cats and beggars have taken shelter away.
This is winters harsh symphony playing silently.

for me the lines are too long breaking them up (enjambment) at the point where a pause or comma would be is one of the best ways to make the format more poetical;

The snow falls upon concrete streets
where heavily dressed people hurry across the ground.
Moving along mindlessly with red faces
buried in thick scarves.
The winter cold has taken it’s toll across this city,
where the stray cats and beggars have taken shelter away.
This is winters harsh symphony playing silently.

really think if small words like the and and add anything to your poem.

And the snow which was white is now grey and dirtied thrown about the street.
Mid winter magic is all but a dream.
The freezing souls lie in the freezing cold and radiant thoughts of angels and peace are long forgotten.

for me it could also do with a little enjambment like the first verse

The innocent though still do dream of a wonderland where they can harvest these magical thoughts.
Soft jazz tunes sweep the city with smells of warm baked delights.

is do needed

And the foggy lights that shine oh so faintly at night,
Give me hope for all kind.
And the snow will always fall.
And that’s when I start to think,
I smile to myself as I realize, all the pain and beauty winter brings
[/quote]

three ands, are any of them needed?

well well well. many adults couldn't write this well. some good imagery,
some great lines;
Soft jazz tunes sweep the city with smells of warm baked delights.

jack will help with the grammar as i'm not good with it.

would their be better than with in L2?

thanks for the read lizzy.