10-11-2010, 10:14 PM
The small plywood hull,
hampers the furrowed swell.
“Splosh, splosh “ the waves laugh,
then slap the citrus green of pretty prow--
and rings the red buoy’s bell.
Do you really need a comma after "hull"? For me it interrupts the flow. "Splosh, splosh" the waves laugh" seems too cliche and elongated. I would have put something like "The waves, they laugh, those jackanapes," or some kind of metaphor or simile. The syntax, in which you seem to omit connecting words ("pretty prow," for instance, should have a "the" before it) calls to mind John Berryman's Dream Songs. I don't know what I feel about that, whether it looks good or not, so I'll just make the comparison and leave it be.
Cool salt spray-- in small amounts
lift, and leave the slightly foamy crest
to spray and slightly spot ,
a slightly spotty face,
and almost wet a vest.
The enjambment of "small amounts/lift" seems pointless to me, though that's just my opinion. Do you need that comma after "spot"? For once I like the repetition here; I find it quite jolly and sweet, and "almost wet a vest" is lovely.
A breeze balloons to blow its breath,
into an empty sail. It doesn’t fill the sail that much,
it doesn’t even fill the sail a tiny little bit.
really not a breezy breeze at all,
more like a breeze’s touch.
Do you need that comma after "breath"? The line beginning "it doesn't even fill" sounds extremely clunky (IMHO). The final two lines are excellent, though. I love the rhyme of "much" and "touch."
From daze at sea to days that be,
a pirate’s sleep can last an ocean’s dance--
Then it’s time to hit the shore,
roll back the sheets and trim the mast;
to give the dream just one more glance,
before he walks the plank.
"Daze" and "days" is a bit cliche. The second line is beautiful; that metaphor is at once familiar and utterly unique. Love the final twist as well, where we learn that the pirate is facing the plank. Reminds me of a Siegfried Sassoon poem, where a soldier happily returns home and discusses his good fortune at being alive, but then we find out that he's missing a leg.
Your endings are always perfect, and thus they make it easy to forget whatever mistakes you've made before. I find that really annoying
hampers the furrowed swell.
“Splosh, splosh “ the waves laugh,
then slap the citrus green of pretty prow--
and rings the red buoy’s bell.
Do you really need a comma after "hull"? For me it interrupts the flow. "Splosh, splosh" the waves laugh" seems too cliche and elongated. I would have put something like "The waves, they laugh, those jackanapes," or some kind of metaphor or simile. The syntax, in which you seem to omit connecting words ("pretty prow," for instance, should have a "the" before it) calls to mind John Berryman's Dream Songs. I don't know what I feel about that, whether it looks good or not, so I'll just make the comparison and leave it be.
Cool salt spray-- in small amounts
lift, and leave the slightly foamy crest
to spray and slightly spot ,
a slightly spotty face,
and almost wet a vest.
The enjambment of "small amounts/lift" seems pointless to me, though that's just my opinion. Do you need that comma after "spot"? For once I like the repetition here; I find it quite jolly and sweet, and "almost wet a vest" is lovely.
A breeze balloons to blow its breath,
into an empty sail. It doesn’t fill the sail that much,
it doesn’t even fill the sail a tiny little bit.
really not a breezy breeze at all,
more like a breeze’s touch.
Do you need that comma after "breath"? The line beginning "it doesn't even fill" sounds extremely clunky (IMHO). The final two lines are excellent, though. I love the rhyme of "much" and "touch."
From daze at sea to days that be,
a pirate’s sleep can last an ocean’s dance--
Then it’s time to hit the shore,
roll back the sheets and trim the mast;
to give the dream just one more glance,
before he walks the plank.
"Daze" and "days" is a bit cliche. The second line is beautiful; that metaphor is at once familiar and utterly unique. Love the final twist as well, where we learn that the pirate is facing the plank. Reminds me of a Siegfried Sassoon poem, where a soldier happily returns home and discusses his good fortune at being alive, but then we find out that he's missing a leg.
Your endings are always perfect, and thus they make it easy to forget whatever mistakes you've made before. I find that really annoying