10-08-2010, 11:53 PM
It's hard to write angry poems without your work becoming slipshod; I've seen a few rage pieces on DU which quickly descend into illiterate rant, and reading them is like watching the most pathetic Jerry Springer guest try and justify themselves.
This, however, was clear and controlled, with a real narrative that begins, progresses, and then ends. I think you should either remove that first and final comma after "yeah" in the last line, or add more punctuation throughout the poem. On its own it just seems sloppy.
I also liked how this was a poem, and not merely an ideologue. Thanks for the read.
I remember seeing this on DU many moons ago, and thought I'd look for it on here. For some reason I thought it was called "Laughing at Spastics" haha.
This, however, was clear and controlled, with a real narrative that begins, progresses, and then ends. I think you should either remove that first and final comma after "yeah" in the last line, or add more punctuation throughout the poem. On its own it just seems sloppy.
I also liked how this was a poem, and not merely an ideologue. Thanks for the read.
I remember seeing this on DU many moons ago, and thought I'd look for it on here. For some reason I thought it was called "Laughing at Spastics" haha.