10-08-2010, 09:59 AM
I agree the second version is much better 
Personally I like the line "their expressions sanded down"... I think it adds a lot. As for that long sentence in the first verse, it could be easily split into two. "toil and wifehood. Only grass remains..." etc. Your first image is my most favorite. It sets the tone perfectly.
Personally I like the line "their expressions sanded down"... I think it adds a lot. As for that long sentence in the first verse, it could be easily split into two. "toil and wifehood. Only grass remains..." etc. Your first image is my most favorite. It sets the tone perfectly.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?