Sunbright by William Marsland.

[heslopian]

[quote='Heslopian' pid='40929' dateline='1286370617']

I don't like the use of the word "deliciously," as it contradicts the general feeling, I think. It sounds like you're enjoying being fucked by the sun,

yep thats it, a love affair with the sun fucking me. (seriously)

and how it infects you. Would "horrifically," or some derivative thereof, work better?

it's a good kind of infection like laughter.

The repetition of "emotional" irked me also. Just seems a bit clunky.

i did an edit in post number 3,

The final line "sunrise has/always infected me" seems a bit extraneous (hypocritical, I know, coming from a writer whose cornered the field in extraneous closers!). I think the piece would work better if it ended after "eyes." That "snapshot" image is so good anyway, that rounding off with it would leave a strong impact.

you have a point, it does seem a little forced.

Other than that, though, a disturbing yet weirdly funny poem, with some great images (I'm especially fond of the "oven hot mitts").

thanks for the feedback jack, when i do the next edit i'll take your comments and see if i can work with them.

Ah sorry I seem to have completely mis-interpreted your poem!