10-07-2010, 05:38 AM
[quote='Heslopian' pid='40929' dateline='1286370617']
[quote]I don't like the use of the word "deliciously," as it contradicts the general feeling, I think. It sounds like you're enjoying being fucked by the sun,[/quote]
yep thats it, a love affair with the sun fucking me. (seriously)
[quote]and how it infects you. Would "horrifically," or some derivative thereof, work better? [/quote] it's a good kind of infection like laughter.
[quote]The repetition of "emotional" irked me also. Just seems a bit clunky.[/quote] i did an edit in post number 3,
[quote]The final line "sunrise has/always infected me" seems a bit extraneous (hypocritical, I know, coming from a writer whose cornered the field in extraneous closers!). I think the piece would work better if it ended after "eyes." That "snapshot" image is so good anyway, that rounding off with it would leave a strong impact.[/quote] you have a point, it does seem a little forced.
[quote]Other than that, though, a disturbing yet weirdly funny poem, with some great images (I'm especially fond of the "oven hot mitts").
[/quote]
thanks for the feedback jack, when i do the next edit i'll take your comments and see if i can work with them.
[quote]I don't like the use of the word "deliciously," as it contradicts the general feeling, I think. It sounds like you're enjoying being fucked by the sun,[/quote]
yep thats it, a love affair with the sun fucking me. (seriously)
[quote]and how it infects you. Would "horrifically," or some derivative thereof, work better? [/quote] it's a good kind of infection like laughter.
[quote]The repetition of "emotional" irked me also. Just seems a bit clunky.[/quote] i did an edit in post number 3,
[quote]The final line "sunrise has/always infected me" seems a bit extraneous (hypocritical, I know, coming from a writer whose cornered the field in extraneous closers!). I think the piece would work better if it ended after "eyes." That "snapshot" image is so good anyway, that rounding off with it would leave a strong impact.[/quote] you have a point, it does seem a little forced.
[quote]Other than that, though, a disturbing yet weirdly funny poem, with some great images (I'm especially fond of the "oven hot mitts").
[/quote]
thanks for the feedback jack, when i do the next edit i'll take your comments and see if i can work with them.