10-06-2010, 10:10 PM
I don't like the use of the word "deliciously," as it contradicts the general feeling, I think. It sounds like you're enjoying being fucked by the sun, and how it infects you. Would "horrifically," or some derivative thereof, work better?
The repetition of "emotional" irked me also. Just seems a bit clunky.
The final line "sunrise has/always infected me" seems a bit extraneous (hypocritical, I know, coming from a writer whose cornered the field in extraneous closers!). I think the piece would work better if it ended after "eyes." That "snapshot" image is so good anyway, that rounding off with it would leave a strong impact.
Other than that, though, a disturbing yet weirdly funny poem, with some great images (I'm especially fond of the "oven hot mitts").
The repetition of "emotional" irked me also. Just seems a bit clunky.
The final line "sunrise has/always infected me" seems a bit extraneous (hypocritical, I know, coming from a writer whose cornered the field in extraneous closers!). I think the piece would work better if it ended after "eyes." That "snapshot" image is so good anyway, that rounding off with it would leave a strong impact.
Other than that, though, a disturbing yet weirdly funny poem, with some great images (I'm especially fond of the "oven hot mitts").