Caravan Holiday

[heslopian]

Leaning over the dark edge,
the slanting mud and blinded rocks,
a vast void of silence
before the grim stage
(on which stood the distant sea)
like a pensive audience
watching a bad comic. "i struggled with this simile"
I felt the wind
pass by my arms,
like a thousand
wedding guests
brushing past
a dull bridesmaid. "this one feels out of place for me"

Behind me were the caravans,
the warm front room I'd left,
the television still playing
a daft comedy,
about a boy in a bubble,
whose mother loves him
much too much.

the 2nd verse is a real trigger. i remember the film, i really enjoyed this simple verse

The sky was black
and beautiful
because of its blackness;
that eve I was
the only one
using the midnight oxygen,
outside his temporary
home, here on the ledge
facing the sea,
contemplating suicide,
though not really,
as I didn't have the courage

would L1, 2, and 3 of the 3rd verse read better as;
The sky was black
beautiful
because of its blackness;

i like the twist at the end of the 3rd,
is "as" needed in the last line of the 3rd?


still don't.

I returned and watched
the end of my film.

the last 3 lines feel a little forced for me.

all in all i think it's a poem with good potential.

Thanks for the feedback, Billy I was wondering if you'd mention the bridesmaid simile. I really don't like where I placed it, as I think it throws the rhythm off and pointlessly elongates the verse. I may just ditch it. What didn't you like about the "bad comic" one?
You've seen Bubble Boy too? One of my guiltiest pleasures, that film
Yeah, looking back, I think the flow could be improved by removing "as" before that "courage" line; thanks for the tip, I'll do an edit now.
Like with the last verse of Inheritance, those final three lines were put there because I wanted a tidy ending. Do you think it would look better if I placed "still don't" directly underneath the "courage" line, and then ditched the other two?