10-04-2010, 09:01 AM
I don't know enough about Barabbas to fully enjoy this poem (I spent most of Sunday school as a kid doodling knobs on the New Testament) but I can still draw pleasure from it. However, I think there should be a "the" before "temerity," and an apostrophe between the "y" and the "s" in "gays." Addy's already mentioned the "pissed" thing, so I won't re-iterate that. Also, I think you should use more commas here and there, specifically after "poop" and "leg," as it would help the rhythm and also give the ending more punch. Said rhythm isn't quite as strong as it is in your other poems; the middle is fine, but the beginning, and to a lesser degree the end, are clunky. I think I would have written the first half like this:
"More skin shows than fur,
too much to call it patchy.
His one good eye leers out at all;
their temerity in laying hands
upon his crusty head apalls."
Aside from these quibblings, though, I found this to be a witty and transgressive piece. Thanks for the read.
"More skin shows than fur,
too much to call it patchy.
His one good eye leers out at all;
their temerity in laying hands
upon his crusty head apalls."
Aside from these quibblings, though, I found this to be a witty and transgressive piece. Thanks for the read.