in the dream

[heslopian]

if i had two nits about this it would be; one simile to many.

like
pennies in a church
poor box, or fists on the
breast of a drowning man.

and;

Back then I thought that love

and sex existed but
in one pairing, that pots

for me the verse starting with "and" feels weak, would;

Back then I thought

that love and sex existed but
in one pairing, that pots


other than that i can only admire the language here and how you use it.

---------------I hold a
martini and once, when
I was young, high heels

adorned my "dainty" feet,
the imagery is abosulte, and this is just one of many.

obviously a train of thought poem, better than most i've read.
and worthy of publishing.

thanks for the read as always jack.

Thanks for the feedback and kind words Billy. Yeah I overload on similes in a lot of my poems; I don't know why, but I've never been fully comfortable with metaphors. I often ending up adding "like" beforehand. And if I go too long without making any similes or metaphors, I get nervous and throw one in, no matter how cheap or blase.
I'm going to go back and edit that line so it does read "Back then I thought/that love and sex..." I prefer the compression of thoughts anyway (thus each line makes more sense when removed from context) and of course the rhythm is better.
Thanks again!