09-13-2010, 09:39 AM
Ow. That's really strong stuff.
I like that it's also very different from your usual stuff... it's not unpolished, not at all, but it's very blunt. Your poems usually cut like a blade, but this packs a good old fashioned wallop. Loved the lines about heartbeat.
Sorry I can't be more constructive, but I think your structure is already pretty spot-on on this one. Hope venting helped get that out of your system.
I like that it's also very different from your usual stuff... it's not unpolished, not at all, but it's very blunt. Your poems usually cut like a blade, but this packs a good old fashioned wallop. Loved the lines about heartbeat.
Sorry I can't be more constructive, but I think your structure is already pretty spot-on on this one. Hope venting helped get that out of your system.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?