Between Shifts; Coffee, Cigarettes, and Parking Lots

[billy]

some thoughts in body of poem nad.

the parking lot muse ............ is muse needed, for me it feels too dancy.
of neon signs
frigid butterflies
stapled
to concrete sky.....like these lines specially "frigid butterflies"
with a black tongue of night
of bitter lips
sucked down to its hips........these 3 lines for me need sorting out a bit better. i thinks it's the two of's maybe and bitter lips. then an empty line.

how it keeps the hours
worn so thin
wearing down
the excess ghosts
camel cigarettes
still haunted by the smoke. would reversing these two lines and putting of before camel help with the clarity?

parking lot you were never more. for me this lines loses the poem points. would a simple "the parking lot never more" or even
"the parking lot"
"never more" ....just examples.

than an empty page
never more than words without meaning
as you are
as I feel
full of cars
without passengers

on the whole i like it. i think it need tightening up. at present it feels a little forced. (the word muse always has that effect on me in a poem) though it could just be me. remember it's just my take on the poem.

i'm going to presume the coffee in the title is the coffee break in which the author is portraying the poem. if not, a line with a simile coffee break would tie it and the title together a little better.

thanks for the poem Nad.