Virgin (content warning )

[billy]

Not my best, but i was experimenting (never say that, let the reader decide )

Slowly you lay my body
on the silky sheets
the lights dimmed low (The 1st 3 lines feel a little cliche)
the voice of marvin gaye
echoing throughout the room (sounds like he's yodeling ) create a soulful image

candles surrounding our bodies
fear in my eyes, as my body trembled (feels a little trite)
self conscious about my bare body
but, you reassured me it was alright
passionately you caressed my breast (really cliche)

strawberry dipped in chocolate in my mouth (chocolate dipped strawberry in my mouth)
and you, sucked my inner thighs
then worked your way inside me with your tongue
I continued to tremble

uncontrollably I began to sweat
And hold back the tears
as you entered inside me deeply
I tried to let my mind wander
forget about the harsh pain
I felt in my stomach
all because I love you ♥

i only went half way with the crit LB.
for me you need to stamp some hard lustful images on the poem or make it really really soft. at present you're just telling us a little story that isn't too exciting. it wanders. most of all try and make it original.

did he slam that cock up into your lungs or was he gentle.

don't worry about the language i put a content warning on the title.

that said. physical love poems are often best told without the nitty gritty. the dip of a hummingbirds tongue lapping up nectar while cliche works on another level.

sometimes we don't need to see water on something to know that it's wet

so i'd say much more imagery. cut out as many the's and's like's I's you's and me's as possible and have fun with that imagination of yours. be outlandish be angelic but most of all be original.

thanks for the read.