06-27-2010, 08:25 AM
The others have already commented on the imagery, so I'll first give a suggestion on the enjambment 
I always repeat this advice my sis taught me to other poets because its so useful (even though I'm pretty bad at following it myself LOL)
Read the poem out loud. You'd usually be able to tell where to cut your lines by how you would pace it when you recite it. I noticed you had a few really long lines where you relied on commas to break up the phrasing... well in poetry, the rule of thumb is to rely on line breaks rather than too many commas.
As for imagery, all you need is inspiration! You can take elements you've already put in here and try to push them to make them metaphoric and not so literal: lines like "you swept on like the wind and I'm left in your wake" or maybe "You are the ace and I am your fool" (LOL I'm sure you can come up with better ones that are more true to you
)
Keep it up! Hope to see more from you!
I always repeat this advice my sis taught me to other poets because its so useful (even though I'm pretty bad at following it myself LOL)
Read the poem out loud. You'd usually be able to tell where to cut your lines by how you would pace it when you recite it. I noticed you had a few really long lines where you relied on commas to break up the phrasing... well in poetry, the rule of thumb is to rely on line breaks rather than too many commas.
As for imagery, all you need is inspiration! You can take elements you've already put in here and try to push them to make them metaphoric and not so literal: lines like "you swept on like the wind and I'm left in your wake" or maybe "You are the ace and I am your fool" (LOL I'm sure you can come up with better ones that are more true to you
)Keep it up! Hope to see more from you!
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?