06-26-2010, 04:33 AM
edited version
okay i tried to change it up with all ur guys suggestion and i used ur line addy. if u dnt want it to be there then i could change it and sorry for doing so with out ur consent lol here it is 2nd draft lol or 1st? o well!..
idk if i should keep the title i think i shouldnt idk what do u guys think? and remember i dnt mind if u guys dnt like it just b honest!!! oh and i dnt kno if it will make sense when it says "now i strum in melancholy" lol i play music
You swept on like the wind and I'm left in your wake
With a scrap book left on my lap; Niagara falls falling.
I was a book you read, my story became cliche
I was a song that had no chorus, kept playing on replay
I once played a melody now I strum in melancholy,
I would've said sorry but blue can't turn green
You left a map that leads to your discovery
I was your biggest fool, it was all about you
As I see summer fade, and clouds darkening the sky
I'll prepare for the weather without a sigh.
The sun will shine again, and birds will flock North
Flowers will bloom, and kids will return to the pool.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Guys can you please give me your opinions and suggestions about this poem I wrote.. i did some other changes so tell me if the other one is more better. Thanks it will be very appreciated!
Does it make sense?
originals
A part of my heart says to look for your love
but the other side says it has had enough
You don't want me and it hurts to know
You've moved on so fast
and you've left me alone.
You've left me with all these memories,
memories of love, I thought that it wouldn't have an end, but it was just a game.
In your game I played a fool, It was all about you
But one day you will see the feelings I have felt
You will soon be the fool and it won't be about you.
I've poured out all my heart, I told you how I felt,
I know I've made a mistake
but wasn't our love big enough to forget??
I'm left with just one clue, and it makes me feel so blue.
I was your biggest fool. It was all about you...
OR...
A part of my heart says to look for your love
but the other side says it has had enough
You don't love me and it hurts to know
You've moved on so fast
and you've left me alone.
You've left me with all these memories,
memories of love, I thought our story wouldn't have an end, but it was just a game.
You shattered me into a million pieces, You destroyed my soul,
In your game I played a fool, It was all about you
But one day you will see your shooting star gone,
You will soon be the fool and it won't be about you.
I know I've made a mistake
but wasn't our love big enough to forget??
I'm left with just one clue, and it makes me feel so blue.
I was your biggest fool. It was all about you...
I think its overly used but idk criticize this poem to the max
i placed it in the proper forum. the one it was in needs a relevant picture attached to it/admin billy
okay i tried to change it up with all ur guys suggestion and i used ur line addy. if u dnt want it to be there then i could change it and sorry for doing so with out ur consent lol here it is 2nd draft lol or 1st? o well!..
idk if i should keep the title i think i shouldnt idk what do u guys think? and remember i dnt mind if u guys dnt like it just b honest!!! oh and i dnt kno if it will make sense when it says "now i strum in melancholy" lol i play music
You swept on like the wind and I'm left in your wake
With a scrap book left on my lap; Niagara falls falling.
I was a book you read, my story became cliche
I was a song that had no chorus, kept playing on replay
I once played a melody now I strum in melancholy,
I would've said sorry but blue can't turn green
You left a map that leads to your discovery
I was your biggest fool, it was all about you
As I see summer fade, and clouds darkening the sky
I'll prepare for the weather without a sigh.
The sun will shine again, and birds will flock North
Flowers will bloom, and kids will return to the pool.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Guys can you please give me your opinions and suggestions about this poem I wrote.. i did some other changes so tell me if the other one is more better. Thanks it will be very appreciated!
Does it make sense?
originals
A part of my heart says to look for your love
but the other side says it has had enough
You don't want me and it hurts to know
You've moved on so fast
and you've left me alone.
You've left me with all these memories,
memories of love, I thought that it wouldn't have an end, but it was just a game.
In your game I played a fool, It was all about you
But one day you will see the feelings I have felt
You will soon be the fool and it won't be about you.
I've poured out all my heart, I told you how I felt,
I know I've made a mistake
but wasn't our love big enough to forget??
I'm left with just one clue, and it makes me feel so blue.
I was your biggest fool. It was all about you...
OR...
A part of my heart says to look for your love
but the other side says it has had enough
You don't love me and it hurts to know
You've moved on so fast
and you've left me alone.
You've left me with all these memories,
memories of love, I thought our story wouldn't have an end, but it was just a game.
You shattered me into a million pieces, You destroyed my soul,
In your game I played a fool, It was all about you
But one day you will see your shooting star gone,
You will soon be the fool and it won't be about you.
I know I've made a mistake
but wasn't our love big enough to forget??
I'm left with just one clue, and it makes me feel so blue.
I was your biggest fool. It was all about you...
I think its overly used but idk criticize this poem to the max
i placed it in the proper forum. the one it was in needs a relevant picture attached to it/admin billy