The Infidelity of Tourism in Atlantis

[billy]

Her hair falls upon her breasts like maps of a new world
Her long island legs surrounded by the fluidity of her dress
Lest I sing of parchments for the gentle craft of her pearl
Of this I sing to the lost city of Atlantis
Where the ebb from her flow temps the ocean from her flesh
Parting symposiums on flowering mounds of venus
Theorizing upon ancient pantheons the allegory of the cock
And as she romancer of vespers against thistled lips
In the temple of myrrh
The city of Atlantis gives rise
As I drain the ocean from her body
Like Vespucci
Like Columbus
Like the cartographers of Helicon
Dreaming upon Grecian urns
Of this I sing
To romance the bow of my ship
Upon a new world

hi nad thanks for the poem.

first off i'd normally say the poem was being portrayed in an archaic write. but in this it works and doesn't hinder.

two good images in the first two lines.
for me line 4 feels to in your face. i think the poem works better without it. that's jmo though.

flowering mounds of venus feel too well used already. what haven't we heard to describe that part of a female...chunky monkey..naw thats too out of keeping. the rip of adam? while i can accept the use of venus in an antlantis poem again the mounds of venus feel to obvious.

the allegory of the cock see what i mean. that works so well. if it has been used i haven't heard of it and i doubt its been used more than once or twice. i like this line best. for me its a keyline in the poem.

dreaming upon Grecian urns
of this i sing for me takes it just over the edge. reads much better without it but again that's jmo.

was temps meant to be tempts in line 5 ?

i love the concept of the casual sexual tourist
i also enjoy the atlantis in the title which is both imaginary and real.

over all i think it needs a little tightening up (removing some of the smaller words) but i enjoyed the read of it. i can see a really good poem nestling in there. i liked it but feel it can improve.

thanks for sharing it nad.