01-18-2010, 11:29 AM
This is lovely. I don't think this would work as prose at all. It's too skeletal, as it is quite profound in the quiet corners of its simplicity. I liked the theme of windows, and doors. After all, comprehension does not come through the transparency of an object. We often have to struggle with a few doors, and damn them a few times before they let us through. This sounds nice, and flows off the tongue quite well. But a little meat wouldn't hurt. Just something to slow down the reader's eyes. I read this as if it were a rivulet of water. Maybe a few damns, or doors, just something to force the reader to slow down and savor the moment.