(01-12-2010, 04:51 PM)addy Wrote: This poem isn't mine, it's my sister's. She asked me to post so she could get some feedback. (maybe i could convince her to join) She says thanks in advance for the commentsit has the feel of a rant poem about a miscommunication.
Translation
Comprehension is a key
(one of many)
Transparent
Evanescent
between us
for me the first line doesn't gel well enough with L3-4 to create the opening stanza.
Although
for me it doesn't feel strong or demure enough to be on its own line.
We have an understanding
A keyhole of words
actions
windowed eyes
i like this stanza much better. two good images in such a short passage.
un-list like ( which the first seemed to be)
Through which definitions
defy and promise
meaning despite
the density of the
damning doors
for me this stanza works but mellows out a bit too much by becoming too telly as in the first stanza.
not like the usual rant poems i've read. i can feel the structure in this one,
which make it a much better read.
if i'm on the wrong tack with rant (my first impression) then it makes a decent poem about a dictionary. but i don't think that's where this was was taking me, as it would have had words as the target theme.
jmo.
hope your friend decides to join the group. we're in need of poets rather badly
