Yesterday, 11:31 AM
thanks, Matsun. I am going to ask for this to be moved to a critical forum. You are on the money about the last four lines, and while I won't change them much, I see a better arrangement is possible.
I acknowledge your point about the cliched 'vast' and 'infinite void' as well as the billions and millions. I will give it some thought. I'm inclined to keep them at the moment, because the universe. But a line like 'though stars must die' is asking for punishment and I want to chastise the nerd who wrote that.
the ending still doesn't do it for me, but it's less ghastly than before
I acknowledge your point about the cliched 'vast' and 'infinite void' as well as the billions and millions. I will give it some thought. I'm inclined to keep them at the moment, because the universe. But a line like 'though stars must die' is asking for punishment and I want to chastise the nerd who wrote that.
the ending still doesn't do it for me, but it's less ghastly than before