Yesterday, 05:13 AM
Thanks for reading, Bryn! I appreciate the specific notes, some of those quibbles gave me pause too so it's good to get confirmation on where a wrinkle is standing out. Glad you think the piece works overall. I worry that the sentiment and diction are too common.
I don't usually respond this specifically but I found your suggestion about the last line interesting, in that I much prefer it as written
ending on "love" makes the line too smoothly iambic pentameter, which along with the more positive ordering gives it an almost cloying taste, for me. This speaker, I feel, wants to emphasize the lying.
Title is a placeholder, can't find a good one yet. Good call out.
I don't usually respond this specifically but I found your suggestion about the last line interesting, in that I much prefer it as written
ending on "love" makes the line too smoothly iambic pentameter, which along with the more positive ordering gives it an almost cloying taste, for me. This speaker, I feel, wants to emphasize the lying.Title is a placeholder, can't find a good one yet. Good call out.