Yesterday, 05:08 AM
(Yesterday, 02:40 AM)Naish Wrote: He wants a woman in a tank top and cut-offs,
legs slick with tangerine and coconut.
He wants her to make eggs when it rains—sunny-side up,
splashed with Tabasco.
Saturdays, she's barefoot by the woodshed,
watermelon sweating on a tray,
while he splits maple.
Sundays after church, she's on the porch,
Bloody Mary in her hand,
cigar smoke on her lips.
But weeknights
he tends his salamanders.
For Caterina, two ounces of ham.
Lorraine, the maraschino.
Then four fingers under
his waistband,
he dozes on the sofa
until the next day wakes him.
This is pretty tight. The first two stanzas are great hooks and establish this sense of lecherous indulgence and primal urge. Good sound (tank top, cut offs, slick, tangerine, coconut; splash/Tabasco). "make eggs when it rains" is a memorable phrase that feels evocative and specific to this character's perspective.
I don't understand what's going on with the salamanders. I can't tell if it's sweet or something else. Don't know what the four fingers in the waistband means. Apologies if I am ignorant; to me this all reads as so much seemingly coded obscurity.
The last two lines don't do much for me, it feels like a flat way to end the poem. Which is a shame because we started so hot! I guess as the poem goes on I am missing a sense of coherence. At first there is, for me, a recognizable rope to hold onto in terms of accumulated sense, if not of explicit meaning then at least of a tangible vibe. Toward the end though, it feels like specific things are being gestured at that it would be important to understand. But I don't understand, so I feel a bit shut out from the poem's world.
I love all the individual details tho - the ham, the maraschino. watermelon, splits maple. church, porch, bloody Mary, cigar - great catalog of nouns in this poem.
Smooth sound throughout and I just noticed more of the internal acoustics in the final couplet, but I still think it's too motivated by an impulse to seek that smoothness at the expense of what could be a more impactful rhetorical gesture or striking image.
Read any Koch or Hicock lately?