Doomed poetic love #3

[purplie]

I'm with you for the first 4 lines. The next 3 feel a bit predictable. The last stage, for me, is relatively unconvincing as the voice feels contrived and the subject matter becomes a lot more flat.

The occasion here presents a very common arc, how to give it a kick of new energy?

I think I see what the poem is reaching for with the final couplet but it's a bit too little too late, the payoff not enough to make the getting there feel worth it rn

Thanks. It sounds like you and @busker are saying the same thing: this isn't poetry, it's prose set to meter. Accepted. I'll avoid that.

And boring to boot. I'll keep that in mind, needs to be better compressed before making it part of the love chain.

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the idea is interesting, the execution too clunky, wordy, and boring.
For instance: 

We have but wayward glands that act unruled
With zero cogitation; primate brains'

is prose, and boring prose.

Thanks for the read. I'll consider that seriously.

Un-self-aware responses bent to move
In crude approximation of your love.

The whole move/love thing doesn't work anymore. It made sense at a time when pronunciation was fluid, then when the self-imposed rigidities of rhyme in a rhyme poor language were taken too seriously and birthed the 'eye rhyme'. 
You might as well wear a doublet and long breeches and pretend to be an official at Hampton Court.

It was meant to be ironic, in the spirit of the rest of the verse.