3 hours ago
(5 hours ago)matsunosuperfan Wrote: Good work with the limerick form! I think this poem needs to make up its mind. At first I was like "uh oh..." Then I quickly realized we were having fun, and grabbed my popcorn.(With a feeling of relief) Thanks for saying that. You put your finger right on what I've been trying to work around and failing to see. I'm dropping the last stanza and taking out the ghost conceit, which was really there to help segregate the last stanza. The price is bringing back an older math-nerdy joke to fill a gap.
But the last stanza really leaves me scratching my head. I'm waiting for the punchline but instead it seems... almost earnest? At the same time, the verse collapses - "youth's affine hopes" is so hard to say aloud, and the last line is just so much tortured syntax.
So, if it's gonna be funny, I suggest actually making it funny
Also I think it's simply too long. If you ended after S3 I wouldn't be mad
Next, I'll think about your suggestion to cut it down to 3 stanzas. I have a suspicion you're right about that one too.