If God had meant man to fly

[purplie]

Hi hylas, 
thanks for your reading.

If God had meant man to fly - don't like the rhythm of this. Either cutting "had" or adding "meant *for* man" would sound much nicer, though cutting "had" might be less natural.

The poem is responding to the oft-quoted proverb "If God had meant man to fly, He would have given us wings." This is what they call a "Third conditional" sentence, meaning: if some hypothetical condition had been true, which it wasn't, then some other consequence would have followed.  

So the entire poem is written in an ironic grammatical construct that in the first breath implies that God didn't mean man to fly, and in the second breath argues the opposite.

- Including both "batty" and "reckless fools" seems redundant. 

I think the intent here is the gradient: level-headed (sane, but also able to fly level) -> batty (which can be eccentric or strange, but not necessarily bad. And batty is a pun on bats, the flying mammal) -> reckless fools (apparently defective)


If God had meant man to fly 
He would have made high sea-cliffs without rails 
    Rivers falling into dim mist 
    Rocky peaks for no reason 
    And the urge to jump  
- whole stanza is fantastic *mwah* beautiful (aside from "God *had* meant" recurring in L1)

He would have made priests who thought they knew God 
    And heretics who thought the priests didn't
    And a few people quiet enough 
    To hear them both 
- It's interesting to wonder why God didn't just make "man can fly" the orthodoxy, but I don't see why someone would need to hear both priests and heretics to fly. Same reason as we need both level-headed people and crazies I suppose, but I have no idea what that reason is. IMO the speaker also sounds arrogant/stuck-up in the last two lines - worst part of the poem for me.
You're right about the touch of arrogance in those last two lines. I'll have to polish that.
I think "hear them both" means you have to have both receptiveness and doubt.

And we would be squinting at the sky
Because He would have set the reflection
    Of His unbearable face in the high noon - The sun as a reflection is lovely
    Invented color for the sake of evening  - !!! great line!!! - thank you
    Whirled sparks and orreries through the night  - don't love the sound of "orreries through", my tongue trips over it a bit. Lovely image though. 
I thought that too -- love the image but the sound is difficult. The answer: when reading aloud, slow down and speak the word with relish.

If God had meant man to fly 
He would have imagined trees 
    And bird nests 
    And birds 
    And dawn 
    And then He would have taught the birds to sing. - This should either be "Then taught the birds to sing" or "And taught the birds to sing"
Same comment as before. Also, this is the one line with meter (perfect iambic pentameter).

I love S2, almost love S4 and S5, and didn't care for S1 or S3 much at all.
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Thanks, busker, for the reading.

I think normally I would agree with you on wordiness. What goes against the suggestion of trimming is that this is a sort of litany. Imagine speaking it aloud the way a preacher would do it.

As for trying to simplify the grammatical constructs, see my response to hylas below.

That said, I do agree that "who thought that the priests didn't" is awkward. I struggled with that line. I'll keep working on it.