6 hours ago
Delete annoying first couplet - over explaining, and gives the speaker an overly sarcastic tone. I don't feel like listening to what this dude has to say. They sound overly self important and like they think their ideas are bigger than they really are.
Spelling out "stressful" detracts from rather than amplified the mood of S2 for me. But I like the push and shove energy. It's a crowded, disorderly stanza enacting its own meaning.
Don't understand the math in S3. Voice starts to feel like rambling at this point.
S4 has the most heat IMO. The images and discursive narration feel more real, specific, and alive here.
Last 5 lines seem like cuttable vestiges of drafting process. Find a way to convey this without just talking it out so flatly, maybe.
Spelling out "stressful" detracts from rather than amplified the mood of S2 for me. But I like the push and shove energy. It's a crowded, disorderly stanza enacting its own meaning.
Don't understand the math in S3. Voice starts to feel like rambling at this point.
S4 has the most heat IMO. The images and discursive narration feel more real, specific, and alive here.
Last 5 lines seem like cuttable vestiges of drafting process. Find a way to convey this without just talking it out so flatly, maybe.